


The Ninth Perk

by TheInfamousDoctorF



Category: Call of Duty Nazi Zombies
Genre: Gay, M/M, Slurs, bad German accents, bad language, silly singing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-13
Updated: 2015-02-13
Packaged: 2018-03-12 04:53:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3344324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheInfamousDoctorF/pseuds/TheInfamousDoctorF
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>About the time that Moon was released I got a little irritated that the perks didn't represent a full rainbow of colors. So I made up two new ones. A yellow one, called 'Love Potion Number 115' and a pink one called 'Karaoke Cocktail'. This is a funny drabble about the latter. And like all good drinks, it really helps your singing voice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ninth Perk

With a grunt of effort Dempsey pushed and pulled the crowbar with all his might. He and Richtofen had been trying to break into a small room in the mine area all day. The Doctor was clearing rocks and even a few meteorites away from the door while the marine battered and yanked at the rusty door lock.  
Edward Richtofen dropped the last bundle of stones onto a pile in the corner and removed his hat to swipe at his brow. He looked at Tank fighting with the door. The marine had removed his jacket and his bulging muscles rippled under his thin tank top. He had already moved on to thinking about various perversions involving ropes and scalpels when the door suddenly gave way; the hinges tearing away from the wall with a wail of protesting metal.  
Edward snapped out of his daydream and hurried to see what was behind the door.  
“Hey look,” Tank rumbled. “It’s another one of those weird soda machines.”  
“I vonder vhy it vas locked away...? Look! Zhere’s something glowing behind it…” Edward got down on his hands and knees and dug some debris out of the way, searching for the source of an odd pink glow.  
Tank pulled out a Zippo and flicked it. There were wires running into the room and a crude switch on the wall. Backing off in case it sparked, he shoved it upwards to connect the circuit. The gaudy machine came to such sudden life that Richtofen swore and stumbled back in surprise.  
Tank’s smile was smug. “Guess I found the power switch.”  
Edward just shook his head and resumed digging. He pulled a glowing pink bottle out of the little pile of rocks and dirt. The label matched the machine. Dempsey read it aloud over his shoulder. “Karaoke Cocktail. What the heck is a care-okie?”  
“You should ask Takeo. Zat zounds like an Oriental word.”  
“Well aren’t you just a clever little kraut?” His expression took on just a hint of menace. “I want to know if it’s safe to drink. There’s got to be a reason it was hidden away.”  
“Unlezz Samatha just didn’t want us to have it.”  
“You think too much Doc, bottoms up.”  
Richtofen blanched. “You should ask Nikolai.”  
“No, Nikolai tried the Stamina Up.”  
“How about Takeo?”  
Dempsey was getting a tad cross. “No, Takeo tried the PHD Flopper first.”  
“Oh ja, I rememeber zat.” He laughed ruefully. “We thought Takeo had blown himself up.”  
He made eye contact with the big marine and fluttered his lashes comically. “Vhat about mein favorite test subject…?”  
“NO, Dammit! I’m not doing it either. It’s. Your. Turn.”  
Edward sensed that arguing with Dempsey at this point wouldn’t be very smart. He eyed the pink bottle with trepidation. “I hate pink anysing unless it’s raw meat… If zhis turns me into a girl or shomthinz I’ll never forgive you Dempshey.”  
“If that turns you into a girl Doc, I’ll be too busy fucking you to care if you’re angry or not. And you’ll be too busy screaming my name for either thing to matter.” He gave the German a smile that was both sultry and slightly threatening. “Drink it for science doc.”  
Edward silently cursed his lover. Tank knew he’d visit untold horrors on himself and everyone in the vicinity in the name of scientific curiosity. He used the edge of the machine to pop the cap off. The drink bubbled lightly, just like the other perks. He gave it an experimental sniff.  
“Well?”  
“It shmells like almonds.” He took a little sip. “That’s not bad actually.”  
Tank shrugged, “but you also like the Double Tap root beer. Feel any different?”  
He took another drink and smacked his lips. “I feel little light-headed but zats all. It seems to be alcoholic like zhe others.”  
Dempsey took it all in and gave it his usual careful consideration. Then he gave the machine two kicks; causing a pair of full bottles to rattle into the vending slot. He passed them to the doctor and tried for a fourth. This time it didn’t work and he growled softly.  
Edward resisted the urge to giggle. “Maybe Samantha doesn’t want you to be greedy Dempshey.”  
Tank growled softly. He knew that drinking less then a full bottle of these things greatly lessened the effect. They just weren’t meant to be shared. “Let’s go find the others,” he muttered. “If we get you near some of your ‘kids’ maybe we’ll figure out what this frou-frou drink is good for.” 

*****************************

Outside Takeo was sitting on the front steps of the temple, his head in his hands. He’d never say it outright, but he was feeling a little depressed.  
Every few minutes Nikolai would jog slowly past with a small pack of legless zombies stumping frantically after him. Keeping a few of the mangled zombies alive kept the rest of them from attacking; it was the only way any of them could take a break in the daytime.  
Soon it would be Nikolai resting, and Takeo’s turn to baby-sit the little monsters.  
Dempsey’s loud voice startled him. “Hey Tak, look what the doc and I found.” In his hands he carried two bottles of the day-glow liquid. One was half gone from his tentative sipping. “Do you know what this word means?” He passed one of the Karaoke Cocktails to Takeo.  
“Oooohhh! Karaoke! I rove Karaoke.”  
“Vhat is it?”  
The little Japanese man brightened. “It’s singing along writh a prompter in front of a crowd. Lots of fun.” His expression was suddenly serious. “Or, so I’ve heard.”  
“But what good is singing when you’re surrounded by zombies?” Tank blurted out.  
“I might know.” Richtofen mused.  
Takeo turned his attention to the German. “Wirr you sing for us Hakase Richtofen?”  
Edward was fighting not to blush at such a formal request. He gulped down the rest of the bubbly pink liquid and cleared his throat. ‘Zhis vas going to be embarrassing.’  
But when he went to toss the empty bottle it stayed glued to his hand. He felt the urge to bring it near his mouth like a radio microphone. Something bizarre boiled up from his throat, and music seemed to seep out of the ground as it often did when the allies handled several of the special meteorites. Edward’s feet felt rooted to the steps and he began to sing in his highest and most feminine tone. 

“I can see the damage that  
I am causing you, is so benign  
You want me to be gone  
but I have just be-

Guuuun!  
I am the only one undone!  
I'm a broken miracle now!  
In your head!”

I don't feeeel.  
Like I am reeal.  
But I know it's all imaginary.

Are they real?  
And do they feel?  
Is allll the pain  
Just inside my head?”

Edward forced his mouth shut around the words coming out of it. His three allies were all staring at him with their mouths open. Even Nikolai; who broke the silence by suddenly crying out in aggravation as a zombie caught up with him and clawed his rear. He resumed herding the crawlers, this time circling them to keep them in place.  
Dempsey was staring in the direction of the zombies. “Did anyone else see them stop when the kraut was singing just now? Do it some more doc!”  
Edward was shaking his head with his hands over his mouth. “Do it yourself,” he mumbled.  
“Oh, fine,” the marine grumbled. “I’ll do it.” He chugged the rest of his bottle and cleared his throat. The words were different, harsher, almost screams, the directionless music a thundering beat.

“Dragged ya down below  
Down to the devil's show  
To be his guest forever  
Peace of mind is less than never  
Hate to twist your mind  
But God ain't on your side  
An old acquaintance severed  
Burn the world your last endeavor

Flesh is burning  
You can smell it in the air  
Cause men like you have  
Such easy soul to steal (steal)  
So stand in line while  
They ink numbers in your head  
You're now a slave  
Until the end of time here  
Nothing stops the madness,  
Burning, haunting, yearning  
Pull the trigger”

Tank seemed unable to move his feet, but he gestured wildly at the zombies and all his eyes turned to the miniature horde. The untoten had stopped moving. They also seemed frozen in place, staring enthralled at the marine as he sang. 

“You should have known  
The price of evil  
And it hurts to know  
That you belong here, yeah  
Ooh, it's your fuckin' nightmare”

Tank trailed off and the music died along with it. After a moment the zombies seemed to recover and resumed trying to reach the Russian that was taunting them.  
“Fazcinating,” Richtofen breathed. “Whatever zhis music is, it freezes zhe zombies and ze person singing it. But zhe untoten recover from the effect a little slower zhen the ze singer.” He whipped a tiny book out of his jacket and started scribbling in it.  
Tank rolled his eyes. He made a show of trying to look over Edward’s shoulder at the pages.  
“Gonna do a sketch of me singing to the zombies doc? Make sure you get my good side.”  
“Shut up, Dempshey.” But the German was smiling as he said it.  
The banter between the two make a small smile creep onto Takeo’s face, this delicate balance between the former enemies was at least one good thing that had come of their generally bad situation.  
Then Takeo Masaki looked at the bottle in his hand. He popped the cap against a buckle on his uniform, and swigged it down to the last drop.  
The pink stuff tasted of bitter almonds with a bite of alcohol and cream. The music that rose was strangely familiar; it made him think of the dark theater they had so narrowly escaped. He opened his mouth and the words came high and melodious. 

No one can see me and  
I've lost all feeling and  
I know I won't die alone  
I'll stop you from breathing and  
all your deceiving and  
this house is not my home

Nikolai trumped up the steps. The crawlers had all stopped to stare silently at the Japanese man as he sang so gloriously. The Russian had heard most of the conversation over the din of the crawlers.  
“You found new machine, Da? Did you bring one for Nikolai?”  
“Sorry man,” Tank said gruffly. “Doc found his hidden in the room and I could only get two from it.” 

No  
More forgiveness  
No  
and the reason is  
I know I wont die alone

“Za machine is in a closet vhe opened near the power switch, if you want to try for yourself,” Richtofen said evenly. Then the skinny German suddenly let out a little cry of pain as Dempsey nonchalantly kicked his shin.  
The Russian looked at both of them, giving special attention to Tank’s look of faux innocence.  
“Bah, I don’t feel like singing anyway. Not worth the walk when I have vodka right here ya?” He smiled and took a gulp of the pungent liquid. Before turning back to look at the crawlers as they listened, enraptured, to Takeo’s singing. 

I have returned  
and everyone dies and  
everyone lies  
They're waiting for the second coming again

Dempsey sighed in relief. The doctor hissed at him. “Zat hurt dummkopf. Vhat was zat for?!”  
His reply was barely a whisper. “I know you like torture doc, but did you really want to hear Nikolai sing?” 

Everyone tries to hold onto their lives  
When no one's alive  
Bring me 115!


End file.
